This process started for us the minute our oldest boy was born. He had to be whisked away into ICU, and my wife and I were rushed into the emergency room to have a c-section to bring baby two into the world. It was heart-wrenching seeing a nurse walk away with our first little guy.
But how on earth do we raise our kids in the ways of God; teaching them to be good, kind and nice; teaching them to be strong in the principles and values that we believe are important? How do we do this while giving them the freedom to make some mistakes (mistakes that won’t send them off the rails!), and at the same time letting the reins out to a point where we eventually let them go completely?
Possibly the best way I’ve heard it described is as a four phase process:
First, you’re the Commander. In the first years of a child’s life, a parent does everything for them.
Then you become their Coach. The idea here is not only to teach, but also to encourage our child’s growth from direction to self-direction.
The third phase is where we become the Counsellor. Bob Hostetler said, concerning this phase, that if you haven’t yet experienced it, you will soon. The day dawns for every parent when we are no longer the driving influence in our child’s life.
And our final role is that of Consultant. No longer do we have proactive involvement, but we are still always available. Like Solomon who told his son, “Be wise, my son, and bring joy to my heart” (Proverbs 27:11), parents in this phase must hope, pray and wait.
Reading it on paper like this makes it sound so easy, doesn’t it. But you and I both know that it’s not. In fact despite being a world expert on the subject, Dr James Dobson put it this way, “The empty nest had arrived in a single day, leaving Shirley and me unprepared for what that cataclysmic change would mean in our lives ... I mourned the end of an era”.
But, as hard as it is, it’s what God calls us to as parents. We must train them up and set them free, to thrive.
By Tim Sisarich, Executive Director of Focus on the Family, Copyright © 2009 Focus on the Family. All rights reserved.
